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Housewife On Top
by Alison Penton Harper‘I’ve left you a list on my desk,’ Rick said . . . The house fell silent and I wandered into the study to collect my instructions. There was only one scrawled piece of paper on the desk so there was no mistaking the single command. It said: organize Christmas. Helen is finally finding her feet just in time for the looming festive season. Surrounded by family, friends and the finer things in life, Helen’s generous offer to organize Christmas for the neurotic Leoni soon snowballs into an unmanageable avalanche of tasks when her chaotic boss dumps his seasonal arrangements on her too. And with Julia heading towards a mind-boggling midlife crisis of her own, it looks as though Helen is well and truly stuffed! And so it begins, the season of good grief to all women . . . Praise for Alison Penton Harper: 'Laugh-a-minute, frothy fun' Sunday Express
Housewife Down
by Alison Penton HarperThe days I had previously filled with the duties of chief cook and bottle-washer now lay strangely empty and stretched out before me like a blank canvas. I kept looking at it, but couldn't think of anything to paint . . . Preparing dinner for her husband’s colleagues, nervous, and listening to a woman complain about domestic slavery on the radio, Helen Robbins hits the bottle hard. For thirteen years she has lived a life of suburban predictability with Robert, bending to his boorish demands and allowing her once vital, independent spirit to retreat into the safety cage of mundane, dutiful routine. Over supper that evening she decides to throw off her role of domestic angel and hit him where it hurts: she dares to criticise his driving Riled by his wife’s comments over dinner an irate Robert sets out the next morning to prove himself and is killed in a freak accident. Helen’s life is about to transform. As she rekindles relationships with old friends and close family, Helen rediscovers the excitement of her former world. Tentatively stepping back into the fold, imbued with a new sense of power and adventure, she discovers for the first time the possibility of a relationship on her own terms - as well as certain thrill she never quite believed possible . . . and the surprises are only just beginning . . .
Hunting Unicorns
by Bella PollenAmerican Maggie Monroe is a journalist for New York's hard-hitting current affairs show Newsline. Independent and fearless, the more cutting-edge the story, the happier she is. But when her next assignment turns out to be an in-depth documentary on the decline of England's ruling classes, she's furious at being sent to cover a bloody tea party. Meet the Earl and Countess of Bevan, eccentric, maddening and with family secrets to hide. Meet Daniel Bevan - their eldest son. Funny, attractive and hopelessly alcoholic. Meet Daniel's responsible brother Rory - angry, self-mocking and strictly teetotal. When Maggie discovers Rory to be an uninvited chaperone on the first stop of her journey the two look set to clash. Maggie finds herself torn between her journalist ideals and coming to terms with a greater understanding. This unlikely romantic comedy paints an endearing portrait of a family, which like so many others, holds itself together despite its evident frailties. ‘Hilariously accurate . . . A gifted writer with a pithy, poetic style’ Wendy Holden, Daily Mail
Tins (New Windmills Ks3 Ser.)
by Alex ShearerFergal is a self-confessed nerd with an eccentric hobby: tin collecting. He likes the lucky dip aspect of buying tins that have their labels missing - after all, you never know what might be inside. It's Fergal's idea of living dangerously. That is, until the day he innocently opens up a tin to find . . . a bloodied human finger. Everyone thinks it's a joke. But not Fergal - and when his next tin discovery is a note with the word 'Help' scribbled on it, he feels compelled to track down the factory responsible for these mysterious and macabre products. Fergal might be hungry to play detective, but has he opened a can of worms . . . ? This Dahl-esque black comedy will have readers squirming on the edge of their seats. Funny, frightening and totally gross - Alex Shearer taps into the repulsive-but-appealing tradition of urban myths that are perennial playground fodder.
The Trick and Other Stories
by George LaytonGeorge Layton’s stories evoke a nostalgic, atmospheric view of growing up in the 1950s. From the funny and faintly ridiculous to the terribly tragic, every tale brings a young boy’s small world, and its big implications, to life.
We Could Be Heroes
by Tom Fordyce Ben DirsBen: Do you ever worry you’ll die without having left a mark? Tom: What about when you won that 3 a.m. break-dancing battle with the overweight Australian girl? Ben: It’s not enough. I want to go down in history. Tom: You’re called Ben Dirs. You will. Finely-tuned triathlete Tom Fordyce and hopeless smoker Ben Dirs have made a living blogging for the BBC about the triumphs and tribulations of sport at its highest level – but they will never be World Champions themselves. Well, unless they can find some really pointless sporting challenges… From the gripping slow-motion drama of the World Sauna Championships to the Cotswold Olympicks, in which ‘competitors, wearing boots, attempt to kick each other,’ We Could Be Heroes is a collection of brilliantly funny gonzo despatches from the frontline of sport. If you can race Ben Fogle up a Yorkshire hillside carrying a sack of coal, or kick the shin out of Rory McGrath, you could be the Champion of the World – and what’s more, you’ll have very, very sore shins, my son.
Danny Baker Record Breaker (Danny Baker Record Breaker #4)
by Steve HartleyLike many young boys, Danny dreams of making it into the record books. Eternally optimistic, he writes to Mr Bibby, Keeper of the Records, with hilarious accounts of his chaotic endeavours. In this book, Danny will attempt to break the following records. Drumroll, please . . Biggest scale model made of earwax! Deadliest rollercoaster ride! Filthiest furballs! Barmiest birthday party!
Danny Baker Record Breaker (Danny Baker Record Breaker #3)
by Steve HartleyLike many young boys, Danny dreams of making it into the record books. Eternally optimistic, he writes to Mr Bibby, Keeper of the Records, with hilarious accounts of his yucky endeavours. In this book, Danny will attempt to break the following records. Drumroll, please . . . Most armpit-farted verses of 'Old MacDonald had a Farm'! Vilest verrucas! Biggest jelly-fight! Crinkliest wrinkles!
The (Im)Perfect Girlfriend
by Lucy-Anne HolmesActress Sarah Sargeant has finally landed the perfect boyfriend. But as she leaves London for LA, Sarah finds herself morphing from the perfect girlfriend, baby voicing 'i love you's, into a nutty one who throws phones and screams a lot. Where did it all go wrong? Was it the photo of a semi-naked ex-girlfriend doing a downward dog she found in her boyfriend's filofax? Or maybe it’s the steamy sex scene she films with the handsomest man in the world, ever. Laugh-out-loud funny and brutally honest, The Imperfect Girlfriend is the story of one woman’s imperfect search for her happy ever after.
The Daydream Girl
by Bella PollenSometimes life can be like a bad movie. You sit through it, hoping it will get better, suspecting that it won't and wondering at what point you can reasonably walk out . . . Kit Audrey Butler is the manager of the Orange, a dilapidated independent cinema. Estranged from her father, undermined by her boyfriend, and with her third screenplay recently rejected Kit finds herself badly adrift. Her favourite therapy, renting the appropriate video and scrutinizing the footage for clues on how to behave, no longer provides her with all the answers. But when new ownership threatens the Orange, Kit is forced to confront reality and discovers that help and heroes come in the unlikeliest forms . . .
Philip Ardagh's Book of Howlers, Blunders and Random Mistakery
by Philip ArdaghFind out how the pope got confused with a potato, about the footballer who ate the ref's notebook and why it is a terrible idea to have your name and date of birth tattooed on your neck, in this splendid romp through the most impressive mistakes, blunders, misunderstandings, faux pas, howlers and universal truths that are not true at all, from the magnificently witty pen of Mr Philip Ardagh. 'Who else but Philip Ardagh could bring you such an enjoyable compendium of buffoonery? Howlers, Blunders and Random Mistakery is essential, laugh-out-loud reading.' The Independent
Danny Baker Record Breaker (Danny Baker Record Breaker #5)
by Steve HartleyDanny Baker is off on a school camping trip. All that nature gives him an idea - and soon he has his pants out and is rounding up the ants for his craziest record attempt yet. In the second story, the plummeting temperature inspires Danny to cultivate the longest nose-icicle ever - brrr!
The Invisible Man's Socks
by Alex ShearerPrepare to be terrified by the exhibits at the Museum of Little Horrors. But make sure you heed the warning: DO NOT TOUCH! For ignoring these instructions can only lead to trouble. Monstrously terrible trouble . . . But Mr. Ellis's class don't take instructions as seriously as they should and, after running riot in the museum, the pupils aren't quite feeling themselves. Ashwin is a little sharper of tooth, Michael's a little less visible, even Mr. Ellis seems a little bit hairier and, altogether, they're just a little bit scarier. Will Mr. Ellis and his fiendish class find a way of lifting the evil curse and learn their lesson?
The Fib: and Other Stories
by George LaytonI was sick of Gordon Barraclough. Sick of his bullying. And I was sick of him being a good footballer. 'Listen, Barraclough. My uncle is Bobby Charlton.' 'You're a liar.' I was. 'I'm not. Cross my heart and hope to die.' I spat on my hand. If I'd dropped down dead on the spot I wouldn't have been surprised. 'Funny and moving.... a rare gift.' Guardian
The Swap: and Other Stories
by George LaytonThe coach started to move off. I felt frightened. All these weeks, looking forward to it, and now I did'nt want to go. Please, Mum, let me go home. She was running alongside, waving her hanky and crying... He'd nagged his mother for weeks to let him go on the school exchange, swapping his home in the backstreets of a northern town for a posh house in London. With a proper family. With a dad. But now it was all going wrong...
Danny Baker Record Breaker (Danny Baker Record Breaker #6)
by Steve HartleyLike many young boys, Danny dreams of making it into the record books. Eternally optimistic, he writes to Mr Bibby, Keeper of the Records, with hilarious accounts of his chaotic endeavours. In this book, Danny will attempt to break the following records. Drumroll, please . . . Windiest baby! Biggest underpant-hat! Most infectious yawn! Tallest pizza tower!
Daydream Believer: Confessions of a hero-worshipper
by Hugh Massingberd'Enchanting ... while writing a series of richly comic recollections which had me laughing out loud every few pages, he has now written a book with much more underlying seriousness and much more to say about the human condition than any Booker prizewinner could achieve' A. N. Wilson, Country Life 'Intensely comical ... contains some of the funniest scenes I have seen in print this year' Jeremy Paxman, Observer 'Although on route to meet plenty of people more famous ... none of them can begin to match the charm of the book's bumbling narratior in his Dickensian progression from weedy daydreamer, to failed solicitor, country squire, genealogist, obituarist and lurker at stage doors. This man is an institution, one of the great English eccentrics of our time' James Delingpole, Literary Review
Philip Ardagh's Book of Kings, Queens, Emperors and Rotten Wart-Nosed Commoners
by Philip ArdaghPARP!" Pssst! Do you know the story about Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) and the, er, farting courtier? One day, when bowing low to Her Majesty, the Earl of Oxford couldn't help but break wind. The poor man felt SO embarrassed that he left the court - and some say the country - for SEVEN years. Upon his return, after such a long absence, the first thing Good Queen bess said on seeing him was, "Lord, I had forgot the fart!
Danny Baker's Silly Olympics: And four other brilliantly bonkers stories!
by Steve HartleyA bumper bind-up of the first two hilarious DANNY BAKER stories (THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BOGEY and THE WORLD'S AWESOMEST AIR-BARF) – plus a sensational new story – THE SILLY OLYMPICS! (100% Unofficial!). Cheer Danny and his friends on as they bravely attempt to break the World Record for Jelly Belly Flopping, Custard Pie Flinging and Picking Up Baked Beans While Wearing Boxing Gloves! The competition is tough, but Danny is determined to hop, skip and boing his way to a gold medal (and a new World Record!).
Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
by P. J. O'RourkeP.J. sets off on a world tour to investigate funny economics. Having seen ‘good’ capitalism on Wall Street, he looks at ‘bad’ capitalism in Albania, views ‘good’ socialism in Sweden and endures ‘bad’ socialism in Cuba. The result is the world’s only astute, comprehensive and concise presentation of the basic principles of economics that can make you laugh on purpose. ‘P.J. O’Rourke is the acceptable face of US Republican arrogance. He sneers so irresistibly, you cough up your liberal guts laughing’ Observer ‘The first thing you learn about O’Rourke is this: he cannot turn off his mirth valve. Such is the severity of P.J.’s condition, the only person to have more entries in The Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations is Oscar Wilde. This makes O’Rourke either the funniest man alive, or the wittiest heterosexual of all time . . . In Eat the Rich, O’Rourke’s ninth book, he squares up to the daunting topic of the world’s wealth: who has it, who hasn’t and why’ Mail on Sunday ‘P.J. at his scathing best . . . This is economics for the uninitiated’ Irish News
Sidesplitters: Champion Crack-ups
by MacmillanWhat do footballers drink? Penaltea! How can you swim a mile in just a few seconds? Go over a waterfall! When is a basketball player like a baby? When he dribbles! This hilarious collection of over 150 jokes is an absolute must for any sports fan with a sense of humour. It features a spendidly silly array of jokes about a wide variety of sports – from soccer to swimming – each illustrated with a funny line drawing. It’s the perfect way to cheer up the losing team! Sidesplitters are hilarious themed joke books at terrific value-for-money prices. Eye-popping cover designs and a funny cartoon illustration for every joke give these books real kid-appeal. Other titles in the series include: What a Hoot, Seriously Silly School Jokes, Ho Ho Ho, Yuck!, Hee Hee Hee, Knock Knock, Unforgettable Elephant Jokes, and the bind-ups Ha Ha Ha and A Joke a Day.
The Giant Boy-Munching Bugs (Oliver Fibbs #2)
by Steve HartleyHi! I'm Oliver Tibbs (some people call me 'Oliver Fibbs') and sometimes my life gets a little DAB - Dull And Boring. So from time to time I 'get creative' with the truth at Show and Tell. But this time something exciting REALLY HAS happened! Dad has been bitten by a strange tropical insect, and struck down with Wenghi Benghi Fever. It's highly likely the bugs will get me too - and I'll break out in green spots, orange boils, a red rash and probably turn into a bloodsucking zombie killer - like Agent Q in my favourite comic!
The Attack of the Alien Brain (Oliver Fibbs #1)
by Steve HartleyHi! I'm Oliver Tibbs (some people call me 'Oliver Fibbs') and everyone in my family is super-brilliant at something - chess, ballet, brain surgery and architecture - but I'm not brilliant at anything. Show and Tell (or as I call it: Pain and Torture Time) is my worst nightmare . . . I haven't got a black belt at karate or made a mega-powerful electro-magnet. All I'm good at is reading comics and eating pizza. But I'm fed up with being Dull and Boring, so I've been telling the class about my adventures as a Defender of Planet Earth - battling against the evil Alien Brain Drain who wants to take over the world! Everyone loved it except Miss Wilkins, who gave me a detention for telling fibs. Now my parents think I'm Going Bad. I keep telling them - THEY'RE NOT FIBS, THEY'RE STORIES!
The Abominable Snow Penguin (Oliver Fibbs #3)
by Steve HartleyHi! I’m Oliver Tibbs (some people call me 'Oliver Fibbs') and sometimes my life gets a little DAB - Dull And Boring. So from time to time I 'get creative' with the truth at Show and Tell. Although I honestly am a Defender of Planet Earth, just like Agent Q in my favourite comics, and right now my uncle, the world-famous explorer, Sir Randolph, is lost in the Antarctic and it’s up to me to find him. Plus a new ice age is about to freeze the Earth unless I find a way to stop it – there are evil snow beasts on the loose and – OK, maybe I’m exaggerating . . . But as I keep telling everyone, THEY’RE NOT FIBS, THEY’RE STORIES!
The Clash of the Mega Robots (Oliver Fibbs #4)
by Steve HartleyHi! I'm Oliver Tibbs, a mega-ordinary boy from a mega-brilliant family. Sometimes my life gets a little DAB - Dull and Boring so I get creative with the truth at Show and Tell. I guess that's why some people call me Oliver Fibbs!Right now I'm locked in a battle with the evil genius The Boffin, who has turned my nemesis, The Show-off, into a super robot who plans to take over the world! But I'm fighting back with a mega robot of my own!OK, maybe I'm exaggerating . . . but as I keep telling everyone, THEY'RE NOT FIBS, THEY'RE STORIES!