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Welcome to the Real World
by Carole MatthewsFern has the voice of an angel but as an underpaid barmaid and pub singer, she's going nowhere fast. Then she enters the TV talent show Fame Game and this could be her big break. But then, things are never that simple.Evan David's exquisite tones have enthralled opera buffs throughout the world. Everyone around him panders to his every need but what he really needs now is a break - from everything.Two worlds collide when Fern becomes Evan's assistant and neither is prepared for the dramatic effect they have on each other. Something happens when they're together, and it's more than just music . . .
Who Moved My Blackberry?: A Novel
by Lucy KellawayThe television show The Office meets Bridget Jones in a novel set in an office so dysfunctional, it's bound to strike a chord with any nine-to-fiver.A compulsively readable, hilarious novel told through the e-mail messages of Martin Lukes. Martin Lukes is a man who is good at taking credit where it isn't due; a man who works hard at "personal growth" but consistently lets down everyone around him; a man who communicates with his sons by e-mail and fails to notice how smart his wife, Jenny, really is; a man--in short--who loves jargon but totally lacks understanding.
Why Do Dogs Drink Out Of The Toilet?: 101 Of The Most Perplexing Questions Answered About Canine Conundrums, Medical Mysteries And Befuddling Behaviors
by Marty Becker Gina SpadaforiA light-hearted look at everything you ever wanted to know about dogs ... but were afraid to ask!To the untrained eye not much that dogs do makes sense. What possible reason can there be for barking when you're on the phone, smelling each other's behinds and rolling in stuff that stinks? Award winning pet experts Dr Marty Becker and Gina Spadafori take you on a trip into the canine mind. You'll also discover:* How hunting dogs suppress their basic instinct* Whether Border Collies are the cleverest dogs?* If good dogs go bad in packs?* Why dogs get stuck together after mating?* Whether dogs learn better with praise or punishment?* Why some dogs pump their leg when you tickle their tummies?* Is it possible for puppies from the same litter to have different fathers?* Why dogs cock their heads when they hear unusual sounds?And a few others you've never dared ask!
Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?: More Questions You'd Only Ask A Doctor After Your Third Whiskey Sour
by Billy Goldberg Mark LeynerHere are hundreds of questions you didn't get answered the first time around - questions you'd only ask a doctor after a few drinks! An easy-to-read blend of humour and medicine, Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? has plenty to amuse and inform both men and women. Find the answers to these questions and more . . . Are men really better than women at maths? Can you breast-feed with implants? Why don't you get goose bumps on your face? Does spicy food really induce labour? Why do feet smell? Does barbequing cause cancer?
Why Handel Waggled His Wig: And Lots More Stories About The Lives Of Great Composers
by Steven IsserlisThe eagerly awaited follow-up to the best-selling Why Beethoven Threw the Stew.What did Haydn's wife use for curling-paper for her hair?What did Schubert do with his old spectacles case?Why was Dvorák given a butcher's apron when he was a little boy?Why did Tchaikovsky spit on a map of Europe?Why did Fauré find a plate of spinach on his face?And why did Handel waggle his wig?In Why Beethoven Threw the Stew, renowned cellist Steven Isserlis set out to pass on to children a wonderful gift given to him by his own cello teacher - the chance to people his own world with the great composers by getting to know them as friends. In his new book he draws us irresistibly into the world of six more favourite composers, bringing them alive in a manner that cannot fail to catch the imagination of children encountering classical music for the first time. Once again the text is packed with facts, dates and anecdotes, interspersed with lively black-and-white line illustrations, making this an attractive and accessible read for children to enjoy on their own or share with an adult.'If Why Beethoven Threw the Stew does not turn your child into a music lover, the chances are nothing will.' Daily Mail
Why Pandas Do Handstands...: And Other Curious Truths About Animals
by Augustus BrownSouth American rats settle arguments by boxing. Tuna fish sunbathe and herring communicate with each other by breaking wind. Llamas hum to each other, elephants impersonate traffic sounds and whales sing ballads. Some kangaroos grow on trees.Strange new, scientifically proven facts about the animal kingdom emerge seemingly every day. Here, gathered together in one book, are hundreds of the funniest, most fascinating and plain bizarre things we have discovered about the non-human world.All animal life is here: from the only dog that can develop gout to the wren whose song sounds just like Beethoven, from the cattle that generate electricity to the worm that has the power to brainwash. It is a book full of surprises. Who would have thought giraffes can't trot, reindeer 'fly' after taking magic mushrooms or that elk turn nasty when drunk? Who would have known that shark embryos attack, that caterpillars tap dance or that - out of our earshot - male mice are serenading their girlfriends with high-pitched love songs? And who on earth would have guessed that male pandas court potential partners by performing handstands?
William the Fourth (Just William series #4)
by Richmal CromptonWilliam is up to his old tricks and ready for trouble!Richmal Compton's William the Fourth is the fourth classic set of adventures featuring the hero of Just William, with an introduction by screenwriter and Cosmic author Frank Cottrell Boyce. Whether he's occupying a bear suit that's slightly too small for him, cloaked in mystery as a fortune teller or attired in the flowing robes of a Fairy Queen, William is unmistakably himself: trouble in human form. Only Great-Aunt Jane manages to take William on at his own game – and win!This collection of fourteen brilliant Just William stories features appealing contemporary cover art by Lydia Monks, along with the original inside illustrations by Thomas Henry.There is only one William. This tousle-headed, snub-nosed, hearty, loveable imp of mischief has been harassing his unfortunate family and delighting his hundreds of thousands of admirers since 1922.Enjoy more of William's adventures in William Again and William the Conqueror.
The World of Karl Pilkington
by Karl Pilkington Stephen Merchant Ricky GervaisA collection of the best moments from the ‘Ricky Gervais Show’ with further musings from Karl Pilkington, star of Sky 1’s ‘An Idiot Abroad’.
World's Worst Jokes
by Tony HusbandMost joke books at least attempt to make you laugh. A chuckle, a giggle, even an outright guffaw. Something you can repeat to your friends and be guaranteed to raise a smile. That's what a joke book is for. Right? Well, not this one.This is a collection of the world's most cringe-worthy jokes told by Tony Husband, proud contender for the title of world's worst joke-teller. Jokes so awful they will make you wince, groan and bang your head in disbelief. And should you tell them to your friends, they won't be your friends much longer. Dip in, and prepare not to be amused.
Yiddish with George and Laura
by Barbara Davilman Ellis WeinerWhat do George and Laura Bush have in common with Dick and Jane? Well, both hail from prototypical WASP families. And, perhaps more to the point, both exhibit a natural resistance to moral complexity (i.e., reality). That's the premise of this hilarious new primer-style book in which George, Laura, and the entire Bush family communicate with uncharacteristic expressiveness, conveying shades of of feeling and nuances of meaning that plain old English can't deliver -- by peppering their conversatuon with Yiddishisms. See George's mother. Her name is Bar. She wears a lot of pearls and is a farbisseneh. "You are late, George," Bar says. "Of course I am late," George says. "I am the President of the United States. I am a big macher." Like all good primers, Yiddish with George and Laura tells a simple story -- and, in the end, important life lessons are imparted.
Yoga School Dropout
by Lucy EdgeA sharply funny travelogue from a fantastic travel writer. Lucy Edge tells the story of her personal quest for serenity and yogic flexibility through the ashrams and gurus of India.After over a decade spent working and drinking too much in the world of advertising, Lucy decided she had to leave town for an altogether more spiritual and, well, meaningful way of life - And whilst she was at it, she could acquire a newly lithe and supple body. Would she come home looking like Christy Turlington and pick up some Buddhist serenity on the way? Or did something much funnier, interesting and complicated happen? Did she fall in love - with a place and its people?A divine comedy of the Western obsession with life's deeper meaning, a yogic experiment and a love letter to India, this is a very funny book from a wonderful travel writer.
You Don't Have To Be Evil To Work Here, But It Helps
by Tom HoltColin Hollinghead is a young man going nowhere fast. Working for his dad might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but starting at the bottom in the widget-making industry has somehow lost its appeal. And now the business is in trouble. At least his father has a plan to turn things round - a new work force that will improve profit margins and secure the company's future for eternity. The deal looks great on paper, but they do say that the devil is in the detail - and the old rogue certainly seems to be involved in some capacity. Colin needs help. Perhaps his new friend from J.W. Wells & Co. (Practical and Effective Magicians, Sorcerers and Supernatural Consultants) can help.Sparkling with wit and oozing charm, Tom Holt's new comic caper will delight his readers and prove once and for all that going to work can actually be hell.
You're a Bad Man, Mr. Gum! (Mr Gum #1)
by Andy StantonYou're a Bad Man, Mr. Gum was selected as a Tom Fletcher Book Club 2017 title. Shabba me whiskers! It’s that bestselling and award-winning first ever Mr Gum book by Andy Stanton. The Mr Gum books are only the craziest, funniest most best books for children in the whole wide world.
You're a Bad Man, Mr. Gum! (Mr Gum #1)
by Andy StantonYou're a Bad Man, Mr. Gum was selected as a Tom Fletcher Book Club 2017 title. Shabba me whiskers! It’s that bestselling and award-winning first ever Mr Gum book by Andy Stanton. The Mr Gum books are only the craziest, funniest most best books for children in the whole wide world.
The Great Monster Joke Book
by Amanda LiWhat sort of jokes do werewolves like best?Howlers!What's worse than being surrounded by huge great scary monsters? Being surrounded by AWFUL JOKES ABOUT MONSTERS! Think you can stomach hundreds of and ghastly gags? These monster gags will have you screaming for more! From gnarly knock knocks to gruesome groaners, you'll find everything to tickle your monster fancy.
100 Ways for a Chicken to Train its Human
by Diane ParkerFrom Fowl Play to Hen-tertainment, in this hilarious collection by Diane Parker the chickens show us who are really in charge, and what they're really plotting inside their coops! Don't worry about the morning after the night before. Unmade nests, broken eggs and scattered food -your human will not even notice the difference and they always have spare time to clean up after you. Free range means you have the right to roam. However you choose to do it, escape on a regular basis and refuse to return until you are ready. Try to tip your food hopper up so all the corn spills. That way your human will have to refill it on a more regular basis.
50 Bosses Worse Than Yours (Worse Than Yours Ser.)
by Justin RaczSatirist Justin Racz, author of the wildly successful 50 Jobs Worse Than Yours, returns to the world of cubicles, water coolers, and boardrooms-this time targeting the workingman's ultimate nemesis: his boss. From the bullies to the bureaucrats to the bunglers, bosses are as unavoidable as they are insufferable. Thankfully, 50 Bosses Worse Than Yours is here to remind us that no matter how bad we think we have it, there are worse people to be taking orders from. Including entries such as "Condescending Rita," "Enforced After-Work Drinks Proposer," "Ten Years Younger Than You and Makes Double Your Salary," and the original bad boss, "Your Dad," this book presents the most unbearable, cruel-intentioned, and mind-bogglingly incompetent employers ever to pass through Human Resources.
50 Dates Worse Than Yours (Worse Than Yours Ser.)
by Justin RaczThere is nothing as unbearable as a bad date. From the awkward conversation to the strained laughter to the moments of sheer bewilderment (did he just call me "Poopsy?"), dating is not an activity for the easily discouraged. Thankfully, Justin Racz returns with this newest installment to help ease the romantic pain. These would-be Casanovas remind us that there are worse times to be had. Including entries such as: "Creepy Non-Blinker," "Keeps Telling You How Much You Remind Him of His Sister," "Mechanical Bull Riding," "Lap Dog Girl," and "Invites you over and is wearing pajamas when you arrive," 50 Dates Worse Than Yours presents just about every blindingly bad date around. Filled with entertaining photographs and outrageous bullet points listing each prospective partner's hideous traits, this is the perfect gift for anyone who has ever faked food poisoning just to get away from that guy her aunt set her up with.
Addled: A Novel
by JoeAnn HartEden Rock Country Club is a grand New England institution, a lush haven of leisure and cocktails, where gossip and intrigue lurk discreetly behind a veil of old-world propriety. But one Fourth of July, a flock of geese descends on the club's manicured lawns; never fond of outsiders, the Eden Rock denizens find these new guests distinctly unwelcome. When Charles Lambert, a bond trader with a strong portfolio but a weak golf game, accidentally kills a goose with a wayward drive, he sets in motion a series of events that will leave the club and its members changed forever. His wife, Madeline, must face the mutterings of other members about the state of her marriage -- and his sanity. Meanwhile, their daughter, an animal rights activist, mounts a quixotic campaign to make the club go vegan, much to the annoyance of Vita, a talented, obsessive chef who has her own plans for the geese. A deftly observed social comedy, Addled is a rich and riotous story of old money, new ideas, and the power of passion to disrupt even the most orderly of worlds.
Albert Jack's Ten-minute Mysteries: The World's Secrets Explained, from the Real Loch Ness Monster to Who Killed Marilyn Monroe
by Albert JackAlbert Jack now turns his attention to the mysteries that have haunted us throughout history. Albert Jack's Ten Minute Mysteries cleverly combines his research with riveting stories and hilarious observations. All life's most perplexing questions answered: UFOs, Crop Circles and Alien invasions ? Where is the Mona Lisa? (clue: it's not in the Louvre) ? Is the Loch Ness Monster really a circus elephant? ? Will the real Paul McCartney please stand up? ? What happened to the Mary Celeste? ? Who killed Marilyn Monroe? ? What was Agatha Christie's own mystery? ? Who was Jack the Ripper? and many, many more... With enough entertaining information to fuel hundreds of pub conversations, fascinating illustrations and all kinds of discoveries to surprise even the most expert conspiracy theorist , Albert Jack's Ten Minute Mysteries is the perfect present for anybody who's ever wondered why...
Aliens Love Underpants
by Claire Freedman Ben Cort"Aliens love underpants, in every shape and size, But there are no underpants in space, so here's a big surprise. . . . " This zany, hilarious tale is delightfully brought to life by Ben Cort's vibrant illustrations. With a madcap, rhyming text by award-winning Claire Freedman, this is sure to enchant and amuse the whole family! Perfect for joining in, this story is fantastically fresh and funny - you'll laugh your pants off!
Alphabet Weekends: Love On The Road From A To Z
by Elizabeth NobleThe ultimate romantic comedy about falling for your best friend one weekend at a time, from the Number One bestselling author of The Reading Group and Things I Want My Daughters to KnowNatalie and her sisters have known Tom and his family forever. They climbed trees together, scraped knees on the same pavements and, in taking shared steps towards adulthood, shaped bonds that would last a lifetime.So when Natalie's long-term love walks out on her, Tom's is the much-needed shoulder she cries on. And Tom dreams up an ingenious way to dry her tears: a series of Alphabet Weekends - starting with A for Abseiling - to make her forget the heartache and, he hopes, to make her see what's been staring her in the face all these years. His genuine love for her.But as they tumble from A to Z, their families and friends face broken hearts and tragedies of their own. Can the Alphabet Weekends unlock love in all its many and wonderful guises? And not just for Natalie and Tom, but for everyone they care about?**Elizabeth Noble's gloriously uplifting new novel, Letters to Iris, is out now!**Praise for Elizabeth Noble:'The mistress of the tearjerking message of love' Express'Incredibly thought-provoking and poignant' Sun'Extremely moving . . . you'll be gripped' Daily Mail
Animals
by Keith RidgwayA novel of confusion and paranoia, love and doubt, fear and hysteria: unsettling, unhinged, provocative and bestially funny, ‘Animals’ is for human beings everywhere.
The Anti-social Behaviour of Horace Rumpole
by John MortimerThe Anti-social Behaviour of Horace Rumpole - a delightful novel starring John Mortimer's iconic character'One of the great comic creations of modern times' Evening StandardASBOs may be the pride and joy of New Labour, but they don't cut much ice with Horace Rumpole - he takes the old-fashioned view that if anyone is going to be threatened with a restriction of their liberty then some form of legal proceeding ought to be gone through first. Not that Hilda agrees, of course, but she's too busy completing her memoirs to dissuade him from taking an interest when one of the Timson children is given an ASBO for playing football in the street. And pretty soon he realizes something fishy is going on. Why are the residents pursuing their vendetta against the Timson boy quite so strongly? Could they have a sinister reason for not wanting him on their street?John Mortimer's hilarious Rumpole novel, which fans of Sherlock Holmes and P.G. Wodehouse will love, sees the magician of the Old Bailey at his unpredictable and brilliant best. Sir John Mortimer was a barrister, playwright and novelist. His fictional trilogy about the inexorable rise of an ambitious Tory MP in the Thatcher years (Paradise Postponed, Titmuss Regained and The Sound of Trumpets) has recently been republished in Penguin Classics, together with his autobiography Clinging to the Wreckage and his play A Voyage round My Father. His most famous creation was the barrister Horace Rumpole, who featured in four novels and around eighty short stories. His books in Penguin include: The Anti-social Behaviour of Horace Rumpole; The Collected Stories of Rumpole; The First Rumpole Omnibus; Rumpole and the Angel of Death; Rumpole and the Penge Bungalow Murders; Rumpole and the Primrose Path; Rumpole and the Reign of Terror; Rumpole and the Younger Generation; Rumpole at Christmas; Rumpole Rests His Case; The Second Rumpole Omnibus; Forever Rumpole; In Other Words; Quite Honestly and Summer's Lease.
The Ants Are My Friends: Misheard Lyrics, Malapropisms, Eggcorns And Other Linguistic Gaffes
by Martin ToselandLinguistic mistakes. We all make them. And if your name is George W Bush, you might make them more often than others. In 'The Ants are My Friends' (delightfully misheard from Bob Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind") Martin Toseland has collected the very best (and very worst) linguistic gifts of the gaffe. The catergories features include: Malapropisms (named after Mrs Malaprop in Sheridan's "The Rivals" where the wrong word pops out to bizarre results); Eggcorns (where a new word is created from misheard real one – the name comes from someone misunderstanding 'acorn' as 'eggcorn', as it has the same shape); Bushisms (the humour in which cannot be misunderestimated); and Mondegreens or misheard lyrics, which include such classic examples as: Who Ya Gonna Call, Gus Foster ("Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Junior); Last Night I Dreamed of Some Bagels ("La Isla Bonita" by Madonna); Sparing His Life For His Mum's Sausages ("Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen); It's a Fruit, Fruit Samba ("Cruel Summer" by Bananarama); and, Mr Tangerine Man ("Mr Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan).