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School For Villains (Tumblewater Ser.)
by Bruno VincentI looked again at at the door and saw a message scrawled roughly in the mud of the wall above it, as though someone had used their whole hand to gouge it out: RIDLEY GARNET'S SCHOLE FUR VILLAINS. Everyone's favourite orphan-turned-storyteller Daniel Dorey is back - and heads below Tumblewater on his quest to find his sister. He unwittingly enrols in a very strange school, encountering a host of weird and wonderful characters - including for example Dr Bludger, who attacks corpses with an axe to give his students the opportunity to practise stitching. Other lessons are forgery, lock-picking, knife-wielding and still-life painting (with a twist). Will Daniel and his naughty schoolmates be able to put their grisly lessons into practice and help rescue his sister?
School of Fear: Book 1 (School of Fear #1)
by Gitty DaneshvariMadeleine Masterson is deathly afraid of bugs, especially spiders.Theodore Bartholomew is petrified of dying.Lulu Punchalower is scared of confined spaces.Garrison Feldman is terrified of deep water.Which is why this may be the scariest summer of their lives. Worse than detention or summer school. Worse even than the dentist. The foursome must face their phobias head-on at the exclusive and elusive School of Fear. The school is unusual, to say the least. But 'terrifying' would be a more accurate description. The curriculum is simple: Conquer your fears in six weeks or find out just how frightening failing can be.
The Second Chance
by null Charlotte Butterfield***From the author of a 2023 Times Book of the Year comes a hilarious, emotional and thought-provoking book club read for fans of David Nicholls, Sophie Cousens and Beth O’Leary.*** ‘A delight’ SOPHIE COUSENS 'Wonderfully original' KATIE FFORDE ‘Gloriously life-affirming’ HEIDI SWAIN 'Moving and snort-laugh funny' BECKY HUNTER ‘The funniest writer I've come across’ DEBBIE JOHNSON 'A heartwarming triumph’ HOLLY MILLER ‘Hilarious and clever' JESSICA RYN –––––––––––––– Nell has always known her expiry date. After a psychic predicted her death date twenty years ago, she has lived life accepting she would never see forty – embracing adventure and travelling the world, choosing fun over commitment and laying down roots. So, when the fateful day comes, Nell feels ready. She sends five excruciatingly honest confessions to her sister, parents and past loves, knowing she won’t be around to face the consequences. Then, with her heart laid bare, all that's left to do is check into a glamorous hotel and wait for the inevitable… But when Nell unexpectedly wakes up the next morning broke, single and very much alive, she must figure out exactly how to seize this second chance at life. And then it also hits her: What on earth happens now that everyone knows how she really feels? This is the perfect book club read for fans of David Nicholls, Holly Smale and Beth O’Leary, asking what it is that makes for a life well lived. –––––––––––––––– 'A pocket of joy' EMMA COOPER ‘Zippy and confident' NIAMH HARGAN 'Fun and witty' JULIE MA 'Utterly genius' HELGA JENSEN 'Warm and absorbing' EMILY CRITCHLEY 'A perfect page turner' NORIE CLARKE 'Deeply joyous' JENNI BAYLISS
The Secret Diary of Mario Balotelli
by Bruno Vincent'He's a total rock 'n' roller. There's a bit of Mario in all of us - well, maybe not Gary Neville - but the rest of us most definitely.' Noel GallagherHe may be football's latest superstar, but Mario Balotelli is just as famous off the pitch for his eccentricity and extraordinary antics. From the time he let off fireworks in his bathroom to the notorious bib incident, he's rarely out of the news. But in his secret diary*, as we follow Mario through one turbulent football season and the trail of mayhem he leaves in his wake, we discover that the headlines only tell half the story. Whether he's hiding Silvio Berlusconi in his basement, patrolling the streets of Manchester as a caped crusader or trying to be the first Premiership footballer to go to the moon, the truth is stranger, and much funnier, than we could have expected.*not the actual diary of Mario Balotelli
Seduced by a Pirate (Happy Ever After)
by Eloisa James'Nothing gets me to a bookstore faster than Eloisa James' - Julia QuinnA swash-buckling flight of fancy from the queen of Regency romance, Eloisa James.Sir Griffin Barry leapt out of the bedchamber window at age seventeen after a very disappointing wedding night, drank a bit too much at the pub and woke to find that he'd joined the crew of a pirate ship! Years later, he has become one of the most feared pirates on the high seas, piloting the Flying Poppy, a ship he named after the wife whom he fondly (if vaguely) remembers. What happens when a pirate decides to come home to his wife - if she is his wife - given that the marriage was never consummated? And what happens when that pirate strolls through his front door and is met by . . . well, that's a surprise!'Eloisa James is extraordinary' - Lisa Kleypas'Romance writing does not get much better than this' - People
A Series of Unrelated Events: Misadventures Of A Modern Man
by Richard BaconHave you ever been stitched up to the national press by your best mate?Or unintentionally upset a band with a slip of the tongue on a live TV show?Or ruined a dinner party by transforming everything alcoholic into water?Hello. I’m Richard Bacon and this is A Series of Unrelated Events. All of the stories are true. All of them happened to me. I’ve made the mistakes so you don’t have to (you’re welcome). So now, if you should ever find yourself sobbing on top of a box of gherkins in the stockroom of a Mansfield McDonald’s… having a Twitter conversation with your mum while she’s pretending to be an illiterate dog… performing stand-up to an audience who are funnier than you are… or just letting down all of the children of Great Britain……you’ll know exactly what to do.
The Shape of Shit to Come
by Alan McArthur Steve LoweWe’ve seen the future. And it’s shit. From the authors of the mega-selling Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit?
The Shelbourne Ultimatum
by Ross O'Carroll-KellyAfter his brush with death Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - schools rugby legend, award-winning author and lover of the ladeez - is back with a renewed lust for life - all thrillingly revealed in The Shelbourne Ultimatum.Ross wakes up from his coma to find a country that has changed beyond recognition. Shrewsbury Road has become a ghost estate. Marks and Spencer are selling microwavable coddle. And a Euro discount store is about to open in the Powerscourt Townhouse Centre. And he was only unconscious for twenty-four hours.But never mind all that. The main thing is that whoever tried to kill him missed all his vital organs. All his vital organs. And having had such a lucky escape Ross vows not to waste another minute of his life. There are thousands of women out there and just one Ross to go around. He needs to focus.Of course, life gets in the way. He has a daughter who hates him, a son who is growing up way too fast and a soon-to-be-ex wife who is resorting to increasingly desperate measures to stop the bank from repossessing the house. Oh, and the Gords - get this! - think he's lying to them.Lying? Ross?'Ross's misadventures and on-the-nose observations never fail to provoke a laugh-out-loud reaction ... bursting at the seams with spot-on parody' Irish Times'Will leave you with pains in your cheeks from laughing' RTÉ GuideThe Shelbourne Ultimatum is the twelfth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Ross books have sold half a million copies, are annually nominated for the Popular Fiction prize at the Irish Book Awards - where they have twice won the prize - and are also critically acclaimed as satirical masterpieces. Titles include The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress, Should have Got off at Sydney Parade, This Champagne Mojito is the Last Thing I Own, Rhino What You Did Last Summer, NAMA Mia! and The Oh My God Delusion. The last of these was chosen as Ireland's favourite book in Eason's 125th birthday poll.
Shit Girls Say
by Kyle Humphrey Graydon SheppardThe best of the awesome Youtube and Twitter phenomenon Sh*t Girls Say!
A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian (Oberon Modern Plays Ser.)
by Marina LewyckaWINNER OF THE BOLLINGER EVERYMAN PRIZE FOR COMIC FICTION WINNER OF THE SAGA AWARD FOR WIT 2005SHORTLISTED FOR THE ORANGE PRIZE FOR FICTION LONGLISTED FOR THE BOOKER PRIZE 2005 'Two years after my mother died, my father fell in love with a glamorous blonde Ukrainian divorcée. He was eighty-four and she was thirty-six. She exploded into our lives like a fluffy pink grenade, churning up the murky water, bringing to the surface a sludge of sloughed-off memories, giving the family ghosts a kick up the backside.' Sisters Vera and Nadezhda must aside a lifetime of feuding to save their émigré engineer father from voluptuous gold-digger Valentina. With her proclivity for green satin underwear and boil-in-the-bag cuisine, she will stop at nothing in her pursuit of Western wealth. But the sisters' campaign to oust Valentina unearths family secrets, uncovers fifty years of Europe's darkest history and sends them back to roots they'd much rather forget . . .A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian is bestselling author Marina Lewycka's hilarious and award winning debut novel. 'It's rare to find a first novel that gets so much right . . . Lewycka is a seriously talented comic writer' Time Out 'Hugely enjoyable...yields a golden harvest of family truths' Daily Telegraph 'Delightful, funny, touching' Spectator Bestselling author Marina Lewkyca has received great critical acclaim since the publication of her hilarious first novel A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian in 2005, which was the winner of the Bollinger Everyman Prize for Comic Fiction 2005, winner of the Saga Award for Wit 2005, shortlisted for the Orange Prize for Fiction 2005 and longlisted for the Booker prize 2005. Her other humorous novels Two Caravans (published as Strawberry Fields in the USA and Canada), We Are All Made of Glue and Various Pets Alive and Dead are also available from Penguin.
Sidesplitters: It's a Gas!
by MacmillanWhy did the alien take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway! Why are giraffes pleased they have such long necks? Because their feet smell awful! What do you get if you eat baked beans and onions? Tear gas!
Skios: A Novel
by Michael FraynLonglisted for the Man Booker Prize 'Good God, thought Oliver, as he saw the smile. She thinks I'm him! And all at once he knew it was so. He was Dr Norman Wilfred.' On the sunlit Greek island of Skios, the Fred Toppler Foundation's annual lecture is to be given by Dr Norman Wilfred, the world-famous authority on the scientific organisation of science. He turns out to be surprisingly young and charming - not at all the intimidating figure they had been expecting. The Foundation's guests are soon eating out of his hand. So, even sooner, is Nikki, the attractive and efficient organiser.Meanwhile, in a remote villa at the other end of the island, Nikki's old school-friend Georgie waits for the notorious chancer she has rashly agreed to go on holiday with, and who has only too characteristically failed to turn up. Trapped in the villa with her, by an unfortunate chain of misadventure, is a balding old gent called Dr Norman Wilfred, who has lost his whereabouts, his luggage, his temper and increasingly all normal sense of reality - everything he possesses apart from the flyblown text of a well-travelled lecture on the scientific organisation of science... And as the time draws ever nearer for one or other Dr Wilfred - or possibly both - to give the eagerly awaited lecture, so Skios - Greece - Europe - career off their appointed track. Longlisted for the Man Booker Prize, Skios is a story of mislaid identity, misdirected passion and miscalculated consequences. Michael Frayn is also the celebrated author of fifteen plays including Noises Off, Copenhagen and Afterlife. His other bestselling novels include Headlong, which was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize and Spies, which won the Whitbread Best Novel Award.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom Of The Wicked (Skulduggery Pleasant #1)
by Derek LandyMeet Skulduggery Pleasant: detective, sorcerer, warrior. Oh yeah. And dead.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom Of The Wicked (Skulduggery Pleasant #1)
by Derek LandyShe’s twelve. He’s dead. But together they’re going to save the world. Hopefully. The iconic first book in the bestselling Skulduggery Pleasant series.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 7 - 9
by Derek LandyTogether for the first time, books 7, 8 and 9 in the Skulduggery Pleasant – the biggest, funniest, most thrilling comedy-horror-adventure series in the universe! From number-one-bestselling author Derek Landy.
Skylanders: The Machine Of Doom (Skylanders)
by Onk BeakmanWhen word reaches the Skylanders of a giant, ancient and deadly weapon, Spyro, Gill Grunt, Boomer and Eruptor set out to find it before the evil Kaos can get there first. Can Master Eon's group of heroes use their Elemental powers to save Skylands from The Machine of Doom? Find out in this hilarious and exciting novel starring the characters from the smash hit video game 'Skylanders: Spyro's Adventure'.
Some Hope: Never Mind, Bad News And Some Hope (The Patrick Melrose Novels #3)
by Edward St AubynSome Hope is the third of Edward St Aubyn's semi-autobiographical series, The Patrick Melrose Novels, filmed for Sky Atlantic and starring Benedict Cumberbatch as aristocratic addict, Patrick.Patrick Melrose, cleaned-up and world-weary, is a reluctant guest at a glittering party deep in the English countryside. Amid a crowd of flitting social dragonflies, he finds his search for redemption and capacity for forgiveness challenged by his observation of the cruelties around him. Armed with his biting wit and a newly fashioned openness, can Patrick, who has been to the furthest limits of experience and back again, find release from the savageries of his childhood?This title was originally published, along with Never Mind and Bad News, as part of a three book omnibus, also called Some Hope.
The Spanish Ambassador's Suitcase: Stories from the Diplomatic Bag
by Matthew ParrisThe Spanish Ambassador's Suitcase is a hilarious new collection of diplomatic tales by Matthew Parris and Andrew BrysonHeard the one about the Spanish Ambassador who arrived in the scorching Saharan desert fully suited and with a mysteriously enormous suitcase? Or the horse they gave Prime Minister John Major in Turkmenistan - which hapless embassy officials had to rescue from the clutches of the Moscow railway? These and other 'funnies', as they are known in Whitehall, are included in Matthew Parris' and and Adnrew Bryson's glorious new volume of not so diplomatic writing, which accompanies a new BBC Radio 4 series is a follow up to their acclaimed collection of ambassadors' final despatches, Parting Shots.Drawn from Freedom of Information requests and previously overlooked Valedictories these startling despatches throw a revealing light on how the British have viewed the world - and, unwittingly perhaps, on how the world has viewed the British.Praise for Parting Shots:'Parting Shots is unbuttoned, indiscreet and very funny' Yorkshire Post'Fascinating, if sometimes uncomfortable, reading' Financial Times'Very funny' GuardianAfter working in the Foreign Office then serving as a Conservative MP, Matthew Parris joined The Times in 1988. He writes two weekly columns for The Times and one for the Spectator, and in 2011 won the Best Columnist Award at the British Press awards. His acclaimed autobiography Chance Witness was published by Penguin in 2003. He is a frequent broadcaster.Andrew Bryson is a radio journalist working in the BBC's Business and Economic Unit. He frequently works as a producer on Radio 4's Today programme and on Radio 5 Live.
Stewart Lee! The 'If You Prefer a Milder Comedian Please Ask For One' EP
by Stewart LeeFollowing his hugely acclaimed TV come-back Comedy Vehicle, Lee finds himself in search of ideas for a new Edinburgh show. On a long walk across London, he endures a coffee shop humiliation involving a loyalty card which suggests itself as a framing device. Later that month, thanks to Jeremy Clarkson's casual slur against Gordon Brown and the appearance of a well-meaning young comedian in an advert, a show is born. Featuring a transcript of the show fully annotated with footnotes, the If You Prefer A Milder Comedian EP confirms Stewart Lee as the most original, daring and brilliant comedian of his generation.
Still Standing: The Savage Years
by Paul O'GradyLilian Maeve Veronica Savage, international sex kitten, was born on the steps of The Legs of Man public house, Lime Street, Liverpool on a policeman’s overcoat. Her mother, the lady wrestler Hell Cat Savage, had no such luxuries as gas and air. She just bit down on the policeman’s torch and recovered afterwards at the bar with a large pale ale…Paul O'Grady shot to fame via his brilliant comic creation, the blonde bombsite Lily Savage. In the first two parts of his bestselling and critically acclaimed autobiography, Paul took us through his childhood in Birkenhead to his first, teetering steps on stage. Now, in Still Standing, for the first time, he brings us the no-holds-barred true story of Lily and the rocky road to stardom…Paul pulls no punches in this tale of bar room brawls, drunken escapades and liaisons dangereuses. And that’s just backstage at the Panto… Along the way, we stop off at some extremely dodgy pubs and clubs, and meet a collection of exotic characters who made the world a louder, brighter and more hilarious place. From the chaos of the Toxteth riots and the Vauxhall Tavern police raid, to the mystery of who shot Skippy and the great chip pan fire of Victoria Mansions, Paul emerges shaken but not stirred.Still Standing will make you laugh and make you cry. Some of the stories might even make your hair curl. But it stands as a glorious tribute to absent friends and to a world which has now all but vanished.
Still Thinking of You: An enthralling novel of secrets, lovers and liars
by Adele ParksIS HONESTY ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY?Still Thinking Of You is an unputdownable novel of the ties of old friendships, the passion of new love and whether honesty is always the best policy, from Adele Parks, author of the No. 1 ebook bestseller, The Stranger In My Home.Tash and Rich are wild about each other; wrapped up in their fairy-tale love and excited for the future, they plan an elopement in the French Alps.When Rich invites his old university friends along for the celebrations, Tash is excited to get to know more about the people who shaped him.But Tash gets more than she bargained for when an unexpected guest arrives, armed with secrets about Rich...Can she still hold on to plans of a bright future with Rich once she learns the truth about his shady past?What readers are saying about Still Thinking of You:'I thought this book was a brilliant read - I could not put it down! So full of life''Adele Parks has a way of drawing the reader in. Her characters are well-defined and in many ways representative of people you know and love. Indeed a page turner...'
Stonemouth: A Novel
by Iain BanksStewart Gilmour is back in Stonemouth. After five years in exile his presence is required at the funeral of patriarch Joe Murston, and even though the last time Stu saw the Murstons he was running for his life, staying away might be even more dangerous than turning up.An estuary town north of Aberdeen, Stonemouth, with it's five mile beach, can be beautiful on a sunny day. On a bleak one it can seem to offer little more than seafog, gangsters, cheap drugs and a suspension bridge irresistible to suicides. And although there's supposed to be a temporary truce between Stewart and the town's biggest crime family, it's soon clear that only Stewart is taking this promise of peace seriously. Before long Stu steps back into the minefield of his past to confront his guilt and all that it has lost him, uncovering ever darker stories. Soon his homecoming takes a more lethal turn than even he had anticipated.Tough, funny, fast-paced and touching, Stonemouth cracks open adolescence, love, brotherhood and vengeance in a rite of passage novel like no other.
The Sugar Frosted Nutsack: A Novel
by Mark LeynerFrom the bestselling and wildly imaginative novelist Mark Leyner, a romp through the excesses and exploits of gods and mortals. High above the bustling streets of Dubai, in the world's tallest and most luxurious skyscraper, reside the gods and goddesses of the modern world. Since they emerged 14 billion years ago from a bus blaring a tune remarkably similar to the Mister Softee jingle, they've wreaked mischief and havoc on mankind. Unable to control their jealousies, the gods have splintered into several factions, led by the immortal enemies XOXO, Shanice, La Felina, Fast-Cooking Ali, and Mogul Magoo. Ike Karton, an unemployed butcher from New Jersey, is their current obsession. Ritualistically recited by a cast of drug-addled bards, The Sugar Frosted Nutsack is Ike's epic story. A raucous tale of gods and men confronting lust, ambition, death, and the eternal verities, it is a wildly fun, wickedly fast gambol through the unmapped corridors of the imagination.
Summer Daydreams: A glorious holiday read from the Sunday Times bestseller
by Carole MatthewsWhat if you had always dreamed of something more . . . ? Nell McNamara has a happy life: her boyfriend Olly adores her, their four-year-old daughter Petal is the centre of their world and Nell has a steady job in the local chip shop. When the chippy needs a makeover, Nell jumps at the chance to unleash the creativity fizzing inside her. Inspired by what she can achieve - and encouraged by the very best friends a girl can have - Nell is determined to try something new. Waving goodbye to the chip shop, she starts up a new business making her own line of must-have handbags, which are soon flying off the shelves.It seems Nell's dreams are finally coming true, but her success doesn't come without a price. Before too long, Nell has to ask herself if it's really possible to have it all . . . Full of fun, love and laughter, soak up the sunshine with Summer Daydreams.
Summer Season
by Alan ClarkFirst published in 1963, Summer Season records several anxious days in the life of Kenneth Crane, unemployed graduate. Crane has taken a temporary post as tutor to the young son of a luminary in a small seaside town. Crane finds life difficult enough, but almost intolerably so when he finds himself number-one suspect on a possible murder charge. For the delectable Kitty du Chair, by even contemporary standards a remarkably advanced teen-ager, disappears. She has been seen consorting with Crane. The police close in and Crane's behaviour becomes more erratic (and hilarious). Summer Season is like a Jacques Tati film, having the same dream-like, almost surrealist quality. The humour is infectious and will be caught by very many readers.